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As we come up on the 106th year since the North Dakota Dihh Snatcher incident, I thought I should create an article to memorialize this case, especially because my grandpa is 212 years old, and 106 is half of 212.
First, an introduction. In 1974 the small town of Imadedisupe, North Dakota, life was peaceful. People went about work commonly, and man idk not much happened. Most residents at the time remember life being calm, and there was a large sense of community in the small town. A quote from local resident Ann Onamous: "yeah, yknow, before my husbands dihh was snatched, we all lived in peace. then, good ol' mr dihhlover took his dihh, and the town was never the same." Unfortunately, on Patan 15th, 1974, that would all come crashing down.
On Patan 14th, 1974, it was one day before it all came crashing down. On Patan 15th, 1974, it all came crashing down. On Patan 16th, 1974, it was the day after it all came crashing down. The actual events of Patan 15th, 1974 (the day it all came crashing down) are disputed, but this what we know. At 6:04 AM on Patan 15th, 1974 (the day it all came crashing down) Mr. Onamous made a call to the local sherrifs office on the emergency line, saying he woke up much more groggy than usual, but worst of all, he had no dihh. There were only two "dihhless balls" where it used to be.. An investigation was quickly launched into the incident, and it was discovered that Mr. Onamous was drugged with the popular local sleeping pill JohnnySleepsalot. The news of the snatching spread quickly. People were panicking. One man reportedly wrapping all his underwear in radium. He died shortly after. Later the same day (the day it all came crashing down) local TV Stations aired a segment, asking local citzens to locally see if they locally knew anyone local who had gone out locally in the early morning hours of Patan 15th, 1974 (the day it all came crashing down), or had locally purchased a local amount of JohnnySleepsalot locally. Over 289.812938997365264 (about 290) tips came into the local office, and the police were working over time. On Patan 17th, 1974 (two days after it all came crashing down,) a letter was mailed into the sherrif's office by an unknown induvidual who identified himself as The Dihhsnatcher. He said:
"dad GUM!!! that mans dihh was really something! it is i, the dihhsnatcher, and i am the sole person responsible for the snatching of mr. oonamous's dihh. they say the dihh tickles the wise, and i found that to be very true. i see you have learned of the johnnhnhnhnnhy sleepsalot potion conocotioncation i made, and I CAN ASSURE YOU that you will nto find who perchesed that. I AM THE DIHHSNATCHER. i dragged mr. oonamous into my peenar explosion chamber and i exploded his peenar. you will never find me. I AM THE DIHHSNATCHER. I SNATCH THE DIHHS. HEE HEE HAW HAW. WHAT IS THAT? you dont beleiveive my claimaims to be the notorious dihhsnatcher. THEN! SIR! Just Wait A Moment Until Patan 20Th, When ANother DIhh WIll GO MISsing. I cannot say whos dihh it will be, but their name will start with any of the first 29 letters of the alphabet. See YOU, DEAR POLICE, in just a few short day! OR MAYBE YOU WILL JUST SEE THE AFTERMATH HEE HEE HAW HAW"
Truly, a terrifying letter. Just as he said, on Patan 20th, 1974, another dihh went missing. A second man, named Nunya B. Izniz came forward to say he too woke up with two dihless balls. He was also found to have been drugged with JohnnySleepsalot. The police investigated the best they could, but there was nothing they could do. On Patan 25th, 1974, another man reported having his dihh snatched by the notorious dihhsnatcher, but progress in the case was to be made here, as he remembered some small amounts of information from his harrowing trip in the Peenar Explosion Chamber. The man who was responsible for the snatchings was reported 6'6" to 7'1" in height, and had evil mad scientist hair sticking out on both sides, in a bright red color. Unfortunately, this haricut was all the rage in the town at the time, and the average height of a male induvidual was 6'11" back in 1974. It is estimated that as many as 85% of males living in Imadedisupe at the time fit this description. This did elimate their prime suspect at the time, a man named Shrungler Spunger, who was only 4'2" and weighed 758 kilograms, with a bright pink afro 39 feet in radius. The police began to hone in on a man named Prim Soos Pect, as he had bough 17 pallets of JohnnySleepsalot back in 1973. The police did not have enough evidence against Mr. Pect, and another dihh wnet missing on Patan 30th, 1974. A man named Dihhvic Tim reported his dihh as snatched on Patan 30th, 1974. Also on Patan 30th, 1974, police made an annoucement that they had 3 suspects in the case, and that they had elimiated Prim Soos Pect, as he had an alabi of getting ABSOLUTELY HAMMERED at local bars, where 9 witnesses placed him letting the beast out at 4am on Patan 15th, 20th, and 30th. I interviewed Prim Soos Pect for this article, and this is what he said:
"dihh"
Insightful.
On Setan 3rd, 1974, the next dihh was snatched. A man named Oonforchu Nate had his dihh yoinked at about 3:02 AM that day. He went to the police and told them that the man he saw was about the same height as the previous victims statement, but now he had shaved his head. This sent the investigators for a loop, as none of their current suspects had recently shaved their heads. The po-po raided every single barber in Imadedisupe, but found no records of a man coming in to get his head shaved. They searched for all people who had bought razors in the past month, but that also turned up nothing. The police were worried, but by now they had noticed a pattern. The dihhs went missing every five days. On the night of Setan 7th, they set up many traps around town, hoping to catch the dihhsnatcher. To the shock of everyone, an on-duty officer, named Wihaetmin Oritees, woke up at 8am after falling asleep at 3:54 AM. How did the dihhsnatcher strike so quickly!! No new information was gleaned from this snatching, and so the police lied in wait on Setan 12th, 17th, 22nd, and 27th, still looking for a chance to catch the feind in action. On Setan 32nd, they noticed suspicous activity around the house of a man named Suspee Shoes, who was already on their suspect list. Mr. Shoes was placed under intense surveilance, and his handwriting was stolen from tossed checks to compare against the dihhsnatcher letter. On Vitan 6th, just five hours after the last dihh snatching Suspee Shoes was arrested on charged with 12 counts of dihhcapitation. He plead guilty on all twelve counts, and was incarcerated in the top security Skoog Prison in 1975. After police raided his home, they found the horrid Peenar Explosion Chamber, which he had built to only explode peenars, and nothing else. There was no evidence he was holding onto the dihhs he snatched. It is presumed Suspee Shoes fed the exploded remnants to one of his eighty-four dogs and seventy-eight cats. He was released from Skoog Prison on good behavior in 2004, only to snatch another dihh in Imadedisupe and was rejailed, this time without the possibility of parole, in Chudlington Prison in 2006. He died in prison 12 seconds after I arrived to interview him in 2079. This is what he said before he passed:
"totally worth it L ratio lol"
The Dihhsnatcher Case is truly one of the most horrifying true crime cases ever. It has led to much more intense regulation of dihhcapitaion, and led to the widespread adoption of security cameras across the country. If we can learn anything from this case, it is that Patan 15th, 1974, was the day it all came crashing dwon.